We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
