therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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