I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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