omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
