How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
