I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
