if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
