tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
