Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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