she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
