I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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