I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I did not marry a roomba.
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