haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
