Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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