i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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