She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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