I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
