um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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