tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
