in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
