there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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