My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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