I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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