Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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