At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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