you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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