Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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