I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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