She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
