Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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