I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
