We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
