Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When did angry sex become our thing?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
