I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm just crazy horny about you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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