i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
