I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
