Swine flu. Run for my life!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
