there's paper in my vomit.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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