My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
