Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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