i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
