Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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