I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
