idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
