I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
