im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
