she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
