She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just want to make out with him forever
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
