my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
