Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
