Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
